Tuesday, February 15, 2005
[contemplation]
my blog makes me happy. gives me a sense of satisfaction at least. but some ppl have said it isnt really -me-. well i guess the other one was more -me- cos im a gloomy person, but im trying to change that!
ice cream at 10 o'clock in the morning and im trying to convince myself its OK cos i look better chubby. some ppl have said, tho, that i look better in e second pic. m i deceiving myself? esp when i was supposed to go to the gym this morning. fatness aside, i really feel like a lazy slob after not having exercised for 2 weeks.
the other side of the world seems so far away. i wonder wat it is like to be away from the people who haves known u for so long, and whom u have known for so long. and a place u know so well (sorta). a foreign land, foreign people, the thought scares me a little.
ive come to better understand what ive been feeling recently. i've lost the desire to work for what i want, i just want it to come to me and i just want to sit there and enjoy it. like, it would be nice if i could just sit down for one whole day (or maybe even more) and write about how i feel, things i m concerned about, issues that i have views on. and just let the world know about WHAT I THINK. rather than fear of what people think of me. that's not quite doing anything really. it wouldnt be good enough to be published in a book or in a column on the papers. but i feel that it is through expressing my thoughts on these things that i'll come to understand the person i really am, and that people will too, so that they will stop judging, and start accepting. but maybe my flaws will be even more apparent, and it might work against me.
perhaps im just really insecure about myself. i feel like ive failed in many things, or that i havent been perfect alot. like ive fallen short of expectations, and i havent been very accountable.
im starting to feel a little melancholic again, but i'll try very hard not to drop into that mode all over again. i will be ok, i can do it!
she jumped off the swing @ 10:57 PM
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