Monday, February 07, 2005
[runaway]
The urge to runaway is suddenly even greater. It seems too much and too tiring to put up with all the expectations, responsibilities and liabilities of the world. I don't want to have to bear with the judgement of the people around me. I feel incapable, that my role in this world is too much for me to handle. Perhaps it is so by my own choices and actions, but nevertheless, I can't turn back time and undo everything. In fact, I don't want to shirk away all my responsibilities. Rather, I want to have the ability to deal with them. But right now, I'm feeling like I don't, and I don't have the energy to try. My sudden revelation that day has worn off, reality has struck and I have lost that optimism.
I don't seem to be doing anything right, hence all these feelings. And being the perfectionist me, it's too much of a personal defeat to me. I wonder where all my drive has gone. Really. Sometimes I think its just a phase, that I'm feeling this way because I've been so busy and I'm stressed and tired. But it's been this way for far too long. I really feel like I've lost it, deep down inside.
Don't ask me to push myself, to tell me to work for what I want, cos firstly, I dont know what I want and secondly, I don't have the energy anymore.
I'm not getting my applications done, I'm not studying nor paying attention, I'm not managing my club well, I'm not putting my utmost effort into my projects, I'm hardly at home and when I am I'm not really there either. My room is in a mess. Its a good reflection of how I'm feeling inside. I don't know where the focus of my life is. Maybe its God, but I don't even do quiet time regularly, I just cry to Him when I'm feeling down and when I need help. So then, maybe its not. What then, am I trying to do?
I don't know. Someone please whisk me faraway from reality and keep me there forever.
she jumped off the swing @ 4:33 AM
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